wading into discourse
and now the hems of my jeans are ruined
Hi!
Thanks for opening this email / reading this post.
I want to talk about something for a bit, because I made the mistake of looking into a “discourse.” If you don’t know what I’m talking about, the gist is former Jezebel writer and creator of Shrill, Lindy West, has written a memoir about driving across country and her unconventional romantic set up. The girls are PISSED. From claims that this book is the death knell for feminism to the idea that polyamory is abuse, people are very uncomfortable that West has chosen a life that deviates from the norm. I’ll be back to links next week <3
Lindy West’s new book, Adult Braces, and the depiction of her romantic relationship in it, has inspired my most radical feminist take: straight women should be allowed to be in relationships that seem bad. They should be allowed to struggle with it and stay, or give up and leave. It doesn’t mean women are dumb or victims or self-hating. It means loving men is fucking hard sometimes and women are just as complicated as the less fair sex.
The world is confusing. When people do unrelatable things, it can make you feel out of control, especially when you see yourself in them. West is familiar to me. I am a straight, neurotic, around the same age, and occasionally insufferable writer. And for those reasons, I will never read her memoir (we have our own Adult Braces at home). Therefore, I don’t really have an opinion on her status as an author, in the same way I feel about most things that cross my desk. Not everything creative is art and sometimes stuff just exists! I love a good, strong critique of literature. But is that what anyone is doing? Or are the outrage warriors of the internet chomping at the bit to insult a cringe, fat millenial, one who has made a very nice living for herself writing the same kind of naval-gazing bullshit that those very people peddle?
I’m a writer and a reader. I love authors and learning about their kooky little lives. And in getting to know these people, I’ve noticed that they are…difficult. Joan Didion was an anorexic and her kid died. Slyvia Plath was getting cheated on left and right. Anne Lammot is a white woman with dreads. If you’re a true reader, you will be used to beautiful writing from ugly people. You’ll also know that just because a woman writes something, that does not make it feminist theory. To paraphrase: some of you bitches are very dumb. And if we want to keep hearing diverse, captivating stories, it’s important for the whole spectrum of women, brilliant to very dumb, have room to talk.
I am not advocating for dating shitty men, or being uncomfortable in your relationship, or even making yourself smaller to find love. I am advocating for pouring time and energy into real people in our real lives. I’m advocating for reading some real-ass theory if you have the itch for searing critique, as opposed to joining a Substack circle jerk. The drama of infighting can feel irresistable, but is futile. And, if we are looking for windmills to joust, there are SO MANY formidable opponents with material power. Straight up, Lindy West should not light the same fire in your stomach as the United States Military Industrial Complex. A woman dating a man who might not love her, even if you feel personally insulted by it, does not harm women universally. Manufacturing consent for genocide does (cough, The Atlantic).
When feeling disgusted by this cheesy woman and her bad marriage, why not turn inwards and say, “am I too straight to understand this? Do I hate seeing a big fat chick with a conventionally attractive man and automatically assume she is being treated unfairly? Am I jealous that no one cares to read hundreds of pages about my weird choices? Am I feeling intimidated or defeated by someone else’s needs? Am I lonely?” Any of those questions lead to much more satisfying answers than the ones presented by the discourse. Perhaps we know too much about each other because we’re so incurious about ourselves!
Tunes to start the week with:
Grace Ives’ Girlfriend is really great. If you’re into Lorde, Maggie Rogers, that slightly baroque but modern, bedroom pop vibe, then this is perfect for you.
xx